The Joke thread.

[Oxer]

3 vampires walk into a bar, the first vampire orders a blood on the rocks. the second vampire orders a double blood shot and the third vampire orders a cup of hot water.

puzzled, the 2 other vampires asked "why did you only order hot water?".....

the third vampire pulls a tampon out of his pocket and says "i'm having tea."

[Oxer]

A guy goes to the pub, and says to his friend "You won't believe what happened. I was taking a short cut along the railway track, and I found a girl tied to it, just like in the movies !! I took her home and well, what can i say, i scored big time !We had sex in every room in every possible position"
"Wow" says his mate, "Was she pretty"
"I dunno" he replied, "i never found the head"

[Petis]

Little Johnny is in a private catholic elementary school and and the nun is asking math questions. Now, Johnny isn't really book smart but he has a lot of street smarts. The nun asks, 'if there are three birds on a wire, and you knock one off with a sling-shot, how many are left?" Johnny raises his hand and says, 'easy. . . 0.' The nun says, 'no Johnny, there would be two birds left." and Johnny say, 'not to question your logic, but I have shot a lot of birds off power lines, and when you shoot one off, the rest fly away." She replies, that isn't what I was getting at, but I like where your head is. So Johnny asks the nun, "I have one for you ma'am. There are three women on a bench eating ice cream cones. One is licking it, one is biting it, and the other is sucking on it. Which one is married?" She replies, I suppose the one sucking on it Johnny, but that is really innapropriate." Johnny replies, "nope, the one with a wedding ring on, but I like where your head is. "

[Oxer]

One day a young man and woman were in their bedroom making love. All of a sudden a bumble bee entered the bedroom window. As the young lady parted her legs the bee entered her vagina. The woman started screaming, "Oh my god, help me, there's a bee in my vagina!".

The husband immediately took her to the local doctor and explained the situation. The doctor thought for a moment and said, "Hmm, tricky situation. But I have a solution to the problem if young sir would permit".

The husband being very concerned agreed that the doctor could use whatever method to get the bee out of his wife's vagina. The doctor said "OK, what I'm gonna do is rub some honey over the top of my penis and insert it into your wife's vagina. When I feel the bee getting closer to the tip of my dick I shall withdraw it and the bee should hopefully follow my penis out of your wife's vagina."

The husband nodded and gave his approval. The young lady said "Yes, yes, whatever, just get on with it."

So the doctor, after covering the tip of his penis with honey, inserted it into the young lady's vagina. After a few gentle strokes, the doctor said, "I don't think the bee has noticed the honey yet. Perhaps I should go a bit deeper".

So the doctor went deeper and deeper. After a while the doctor began shafting the young lady very hard indeed. The young lady began to quiver with excitement, she began to moan and groan aloud, "Oh doctor, doctor!" she shouted. The doctor, concentrating very hard, looked like he was enjoying himself.

He then put his hands on the young lady's breasts and started making loud noises.

The husband, at this point, suddenly became very annoyed and shouted. "Now wait a minute, what the hell do you think you're doing?!" he blasted.

The doctor, still concentrating, replied: "Change of plan, I'm gonna drown the bastard!!"

[Oxer]

The kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day.
When the time came for the little kids to give their reports, the teacher was calling on them one at a time. She was reluctant to call upon little Johnnie, knowing that he sometimes could be a bit crude.
But eventually his turn came. Little Johnnie walked up to the front of the class, and with a piece of chalk, made a small white dot on the blackboard, then sat back down.
Well the teacher couldn't figure out what Johnnie had in mind for his report, so she asked him just what that was.
"It's a period," reported Johnnie.
"Well I can see that," she said, "But what is so exciting about a period."
"Damned if I know," said Johnnie, "But this morning my sister said she missed one. Then Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted and the man next door shot himself."

[Oxer]

The chicken and the egg are laying in bed. The chicken is smoking a cigarette with a satisfied smile on its face while the egg is frowning and looking slightly annoyed.
The egg mutters ‘Well I guess that answers that riddle’.

[Oxer]

one liners.


1. The roundest knight at King Arthur 's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

6. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

7. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

8. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

9. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

12. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

13. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other, "You stay here; I'll go on ahead."

14. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

15. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: "Keep off the Grass."

16. A small boy swallowed some coins and was taken to a hospital. When his grandmother telephoned to ask how he was, a nurse said, "No change yet."

17. A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

18. The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

19. The man who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

20. A backward poet writes inverse.

21. In democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.

22. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

23. Don't join dangerous cults: Practice safe sects.

[Oxer]

I took my dad to the mall the other day to buy some new shoes (he is 84).
We decided to grab a bite at the food court.
I noticed he was watching a teenager sitting next to him.
The teenager had spiked hair in all different colours: green, red, orange, and blue.
My dad kept staring at him.
The teenager would look and find him staring every time.
When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked:
'What's the matter old man, never done anything wild in your life?'
Knowing my Dad, I quickly swallowed my food so that I would not choke on his response; knowing he would have a good one.
And in classic style he did not bat an eye in his response:
'Got stoned once and f*cked a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son.'

[Oxer]

Why did the condom fly across the room? It was pissed off

What did the dick say to the condom? Cover me.. I'm going in

[Oxer]

A man went to a strip club. When he got inside he noticed a seat conspicuously unoccupied in the front row. Seizing the opportunity, he took the seat.
As soon as the first dancer walked out, the guy directly behind him yelled, ‘Yeah baby! That's what I've been waiting for!’
The man in the front row turned around and gave him a dirty look. A few minutes into the show, the dancer did a move and snatched off her top, revealing two
pasties. The guy behind our friend goes off again. ‘Yeah baby! Shake those things.’
Our friend turned around and said, ‘Hey buddy, calm down!’
After a few moments, the dancer did another move, and snatched off herdress, revealing a very thin G-string.
Again the man behind our friend yelled out, ‘Oh baby! You're almost there!’
Our friend again turned around and said, ‘Hey buddy, shut the hell up, will ya!’
A few minutes later, the dancer stretched out on the floor and snatched off both the pasties and the G-string, and the whole club went wild, except for the man behind our friend. Curious, our friend turned around and asked, ‘Say buddy, where's your enthusiasm now?’
The guy responded, ‘It's all over your back, dude.’

[Oxer]

why did the woman cross the road?




who cares! what the fuck is she doing out of the kitchen!!

[Oxer]

a man and his wife were doing 69 and the man remembered he had to go to a dentist appointment! so he quickly brushed his teeth, gargled listerine and chewed chewing gum on the way to the dentist hoping that the dentist wouldnt smell fanny on his breath. he arrived at the surgery and lay down on the chair. the dentist said "ahh the good ol' 69 i see." the man replied "oh my god! can u smell it? i knew it wouldnt of gone away!" and the dentist replied "no no, you have a massive skid mark on your forehead."

[Oxer]

how did the hillbilly find his sister in the woods?
pretty hot.


wats the bad news about being a test tube baby?
you know fore sure that ur dad is a wanker.


wats the difference between sin and shame?
its a sin to put it in, but its a shame to pull it out (hahahah)


whats a necrophiliacs biggest complaint about sex?
they kinda just lay there.

[Oxer]

whats the only animal with an arsehole in the middle of its back?



a police horse.

[runningpanda]

Why can't helen keller drive?
She's a woman.
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What's Helen Keller's favorite color?
Corduroy
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How'd Helen Keller lose her virginity?
Her parents left the plunger in the toilet.
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How do Helen Keller's parents punish her?
Move the furniture around and put doorknobs on walls.
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How do you make a washing machine in to a snow plow?
Take the clothes of her hands and give her a shovel.
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Why'd my wife cross the road?
WHY THE FUCK IS SHE OUT OF THE KITCHEN?!
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Why'd princess diana cross the road?
Wasn't wearing her seatbelt.
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A black boy is walking through a park one day and finds a chinese boy skipping rocks on the water. He sees the boy writing something on a notepad, so he walks over to investigate. The black boy asks, "Why do you write something down every time you skip a rock?" the chinese boy responds, "This pond is magic, if you skip rocks on the water it tells you the names of your ancestors!"
The little black boy facepalms and says, "That's bologna, prove it."
So the chinese boy takes a rock and skips it. The rock skips three times and the black boy hears, "Chin chan jong"
The chinese boy scribbles the name on to his pad and exclaims, "SEE?!"
The black boy is still unimpressed and walks along thinking this little boy is insane.
The next day the black boy comes back and sees another chinese boy doing the same thing as the boy yesterday!
He runs down to the pond and says, "What are you doing?!"
The little chinese boy tells him the same thing as the one before.
The little black boy is raged that someone could believe this stupid idea, and snatches a rock from the chinese boy's hand. "Here, I'll show you this is just a bunch of horseshit!"
The black boy skips the rock across the water and hears the ponds response, "Chim Pan Zee".
The black boy becomes furious and lifts up a large rock and throws it in to the pond. The rock hits the water and the pond responds with, "BABOON!"

Long delivery, but I always lol'd at the end.