The Joke thread.

[Oxer]

A man came home drunk at four in the morning, and his wife was all over him, yelling at him, crying because she thought he was with another woman. "No, honey, I swear, I was at this bar, and it was so fancy that even the urinals were made of GOLD! ""She said she didn't believe him, so she called the bar. ""Hello,"" she said, ""I just want to ask one question. My husband claims to have spent the night at your bar and I have one question; are your urinals covered in gold? ""To which she heard the bartender say, ""Hey, Clarence, - I think we found the guy who pissed in your saxophone! """

[Oxer]

A Texan farmer goes to Australia for a vacation. There he meets an Aussie farmer and gets talking. The Aussie shows off his big wheat field and the Texan says, "Oh! We have wheat fields that are at least twice as large "". Then they walk around the ranch a little and the Aussie shows off his herd of cattle. The Texan immediately says, "" We have longhorns that are at least twice as large as your cows "". The conversation has, meanwhile, almost died when the Texan sees a herd of kangaroos hopping through the field. He asks, ""And what are those ""? The Aussie asks with an incredulous look, ""Don't you have any grasshoppers in Texas ""?"

[Oxer]

There are three blondes stranded on an island. Suddenly a fairy appears and offers to grant each one of them one wish. The first blonde asks to be intelligent. Instantly, she is turned into brown haired woman and she swims off the island. The next one asks to be even more intelligent than the previous one. So, instantly she is turned into a black haired woman. The black haired woman builds a boat and sails off the island. The third blonde asks to become even more intelligent than the previous two. The fairy turns her into a man, and he walks across the bridge.

[Oxer]

whats the difference between a train carraidge and a miscarriage?
you cant eat a train carriage




So fucking wrong, yet I laughed. Im going to hell 100%

[Kielan]

what do u call 27 blondes lined up ear to ear


a wind tunnel

[Oxer]

a farmer walk homes home pissed from the pub one night walks into the house with a sheep under his arm and says darling this is the pig i fuck when u have a headache. his wife turns to him and says i think youll find thats a sheep to which the farmer replies i think youll find i wasnt talkin to you

[Petis]

Most are meh, because I suppose they are intended for an Aussie audience.

Two blondes are on opposite sides of a river, and one blonde yells to the other; "how do you get to the other side?" the other blonde responds; "you stupid bitch, you're on the other side!"

[Oxer]

A blonde and a brunette are living together. The brunette came home from work one day and the blonde had a rope around her waist. The brunette asked why the rope was around her waist. The blonde said that she was trying to commit suicide. The brunette said, "You put it around your neck! "" The blonde replied, ""I tried that but I couldn't breathe! """

[Oxer]

Most are meh, because I suppose they are intended for an Aussie audience.

Sorry



What do you do when your wife comes sit next to you on the couch?

You go into the kitchen and shorten the chain.

[Oxer]

It's the Spring of 1957 and Bobby goes to pick up his date. He's a pretty hip guy with his own car. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet. Why don't you have a seat? ""Carrie's father asks Bobby what they're planning to do. Bobby replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie. ""Why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it! "" Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to Bobby? so he asks Carrie's dad to repeat himself. ""Yeah,"" says Carrie's father, ""Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her! ""A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, Bobby escorts his date out the front door. About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father, ""Dad, it's called the twist! """

[Oxer]

My missus asked me if i ever piss in the shower, i replied that i did occasionally but it was always by accident.
"thats disgusting" she said, "and what do you mean by accident?"
I replied "these things happen when you're taking a shit"

[Oxer]

A blonde takes her car to a mechanic. he says 'nothing to worry about, just shit in the air filter'. She says 'Brilliant, so how many times a day do i do that?'

[Petis]

An Irishmen is getting pissed at a local bar. The tender says 'last call' and the man decides to go home. Upon trying to leave his seat he falls to the floor on his face. He tries to stand up again by propping himself on a chair and when he tries to take a step he falls straight to his face again. Feeling imbarrassed he decides just to crawl home and sneak into bed with his wife. The next morning his wife wakes him and says 'you got drunk at the bar last night didn't you?" The man asks "how did you know?" She says. 'you left your wheelchair at the bar again. . ."

[Oxer]

whats brown and sticky?

a stick

why did the kid fall of his bike?

i threw a fridge at him

[Oxer]

An Irishmen is getting pissed at a local bar. The tender says 'last call' and the man decides to go home. Upon trying to leave his seat he falls to the floor on his face. He tries to stand up again by propping himself on a chair and when he tries to take a step he falls straight to his face again. Feeling imbarrassed he decides just to crawl home and sneak into bed with his wife. The next morning his wife wakes him and says 'you got drunk at the bar last night didn't you?" The man asks "how did you know?" She says. 'you left your wheelchair at the bar again. . ."

Hahahahahahahahahaha