The Joke thread.

[Oxer]

Jack wakes up at home with a huge hangover he can't believe. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And, next to them, a single red rose!
Jack sits up and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed.
Jack looks around the room and sees that it is in perfect order, spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins, cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror, and notices a note on the table: "Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go shopping--Love you!"
He stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is hot breakfast and the morning newspaper.
His son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, "Son...what happened last night?"
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and out of your mind. You broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and got that black eye when you ran into the door."
"So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, I have a rose, and breakfast is on the table waiting for me?"
His son replies, "Oh THAT!... Mom dragged you to the room, and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed, "Leave me alone, lady, I'm married!"
Broken furniture - $85.26
Hot Breakfast - $4.20
Red Rose bud -$3.00
Two Aspirins -$.38

Saying the right thing, at the right time.........Priceless

[Oxer]

A family is driving behind a garbage truck when a d!ldo flies out and thumps against the windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."


When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
Took her out with one punch.


My granddad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed.
"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.


I was walking down the road when I saw an Afghan bloke standing on a fifth floor balcony shaking a carpet.
I shouted up to him, "What's up Abdul, won't it fucking start?"


Woman in labour shouting and screaming as usual, "get this out of me, give me drugs." She turns to the boyfriend and says, "You did this to me you fucker." He replied casually, "If you remember, I wanted to stick it up your arse but you said, 'f**K off, it'll be too painful!'"

[Oxer]

how do u make a hormone?

kick it in the gut.

[Oxer]

A cop is staking out a bar for drunk drivers. At closing time, he sees a guy stumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and fumble for his keys for five minutes. When he finally gets in, it takes him another five minutes to get the key in the ignition. Meanwhile, everybody else leaves the bar and drives off. When he finally pulls away, the cop is waiting for him, pulls him over, and gives him a Breathalyzer test. The test shows he has a blood alcohol level of 0.0. The cop says, 'How is this possible?' The guy says,'Tonight I'm the designated decoy.'

[Oxer]

Just watched the Antiques Roadshow. an old lady placed a used tampon on the table and said 'there you go clever cunt tell me what period that's from'.

[Oxer]

For Calvin..

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.


Hahahahaha

[Han]

For Calvin..

Did you hear about the look-a-like competition in China ?
Everybody won.


Hahahahaha

[Oxer]

2 condoms were walking past a gay bar. 1 condom says to the other 'lets go in there and get shitfaced'.

[Oxer]

what's the difference between a ferrari and a pile of dead babies?







i don't have a ferrari parked in my garage.

[Oxer]

Was depressed last night, rang lifeline. Got a call centre in Afghanistan , told them I was suicidal.

They got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

[Oxer]

What is the difference between a slut and a trampoline? you take your shoes off before you jump on a trampoline.

Why can't sluts count to 70? Because 69 is a bit of a mouthful.

What is the difference between a slut and a traffic sign? Some traffic signs say stop.

what did the egg say to the boiling water?? it might take me a while to get hard, some chick just laid me

[Oxer]

What do you call a peice of sandpaper in Afghanistan?


A map

[Kielan]

What a surprise that this has turned into yet another Oxer post whoring thread.

[Petis]

What's the difference between a hooker and a lawyer?
A hooker will stop fucking you when you're dead.

[Oxer]

why cant women ski?
Theres no snow in between the bedroom and kicthen

Whats do women and dog shit have in common?
The older they get, the easier it is to pick them up

how many womens rights workers does it take to change a light bulb?
none, they never change anything?