The Joke thread.

[Oxer]

What a surprise that this has turned into yet another Oxer post whoring thread.

Dont see you posting any jokes?





How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave

[Oxer]

Three guys go to a ski lodge, and there aren't enough rooms, so they have to share a bed. In the middle of the night, the guy on the right wakes up and says, "I had this wild, vivid dream of getting a hand job!" The guy on the left wakes up, and unbelievably, he's had the same dream, too. Then the guy in the middle wakes up and says, "That's funny, I dreamed I was skiing!"

[Petis]

Oh and I heard one you posted a different way, that is better


A guy walks a goat into his bedroom, where his wife is reading a magazing on the bed. She looks over her magazine in a judmental way. The man says, 'just wanted you to see the cow I fuck behind your back." The woman responds, "That just shows how much of an idiot you truely are! That's a fucking goat!" The man responds, "That just shows how much of a presumptuous bitch you are! I was talking to the goat!"

[Kielan]

Oh and I heard one you posted a different way, that is better


A guy walks a goat into his bedroom, where his wife is reading a magazing on the bed. She looks over her magazine in a judmental way. The man says, 'just wanted you to see the cow I fuck behind your back." The woman responds, "That just shows how much of an idiot you truely are! That's a fucking goat!" The man responds, "That just shows how much of a presumptuous bitch you are! I was talking to the goat!"

[Kielan]

Dont see you posting any jokes?





How are women and tornadoes alike?

They both moan like hell when they come, and take the house when they leave

My jokes are too offensive for this thread.

[Petis]

So, a week before I got married I got a call from my to-be-wife's sister. She said that she wanted to talk to me about the wedding and about her sister. So, I head on over. I get to the house and she answers the door in nothing but a skimpy shirt and lacey underwear. (btw, my wife's sister is an insanely attractive blond with long legs). She sits me down on the couch and starts in "As you know, I love my sister, and I would **** to hurt her, but I have always had a thing for you, even before you guys were dating. I always wanted to hook up with you, but it seems like that isn't going to happen. But, you are about to enter an agreement where you will only have sex with one woman for the rest of your life, and if you want to, I can keep a secret if you can." She proceeds to take off her shirt and panties and walks upstairs. After thinking about it for a while, I get up and walk out the front door. Standing there was my to-be-wife, her dad, her mom, and her brother and they were all excited that I didn't go through with it saying, "I knew we could trust you!!"

What's the moral of the story? Always leave your condoms in your car.

[Oxer]

[Petis]

What's the definition of confusion? Father's Day in Harlem

[Kielan]

So, a week before I got married I got a call from my to-be-wife's sister. She said that she wanted to talk to me about the wedding and about her sister. So, I head on over. I get to the house and she answers the door in nothing but a skimpy shirt and lacey underwear. (btw, my wife's sister is an insanely attractive blond with long legs). She sits me down on the couch and starts in "As you know, I love my sister, and I would **** to hurt her, but I have always had a thing for you, even before you guys were dating. I always wanted to hook up with you, but it seems like that isn't going to happen. But, you are about to enter an agreement where you will only have sex with one woman for the rest of your life, and if you want to, I can keep a secret if you can." She proceeds to take off her shirt and panties and walks upstairs. After thinking about it for a while, I get up and walk out the front door. Standing there was my to-be-wife, her dad, her mom, and her brother and they were all excited that I didn't go through with it saying, "I knew we could trust you!!"

What's the moral of the story? Always leave your condoms in your car.

[Petis]

Three guys are standing at the pearly gates and St. Peter pops up and says, 'before you enter Heaven, I need to know the circumstances that led to your demise.
The first guy starts out "I live in NY and i am a fitness buff. My wife and I live in a high-rise loft on the 20th floor of the building. I started suspecting that my wife was cheating on me, so one day, I acted like I was going on one of my usual 3hr runs, but was only gone for 30-45min. i get back to the loft and hear my wife's voice and a man's voice through the door. I bust in and see my wife stripped down to her undies and startled, but no man to be seen. Upon further inspection I see figers holding onto the window sill, so I slam the window down, but the guy stays holding on. In a fit of rage a grab the fridge and wheel it over to the window and push it out the window on top of him. On the way down the refrigerator's chord wraps around my leg and pulls me out with it. I fall 20 stories and die."
St. Peter notes the tragedy and moves on to the next guy. And the man starts:
"i am a window washer on high-rise buildings in NY. The other day I was conducting business as usual, and one of the cables on the scafold broke. I slipped and fell to what I thought was my death, but luckily I cought hold of a window sill. Some crazy guy started slamming the window down on my fingers, but I wasn't gonna let go for anything.... I thought. He then threw a refrigerator out on top of me and it violently ripped my grip from the sill. I fell 20 stories and died."
St. Peter noted the tragedy and their unmistakeable connection, then turned to the third man. The man said:
"Okay, you'll never believe this, but.... I'm sitting there naked in a refrigerator, right......."

[nellydragracer]

Two flys hovering over a shit an one says to the other "This stool taken?"

[Svenska94Aero]

Two vampires walk into a bar. The first one orders a glass of blood, and the second orders a glass of boiling water. The bartender asks, "Why the water, aren't you a vampire?"
The vampire pulls out a dirty tampon and says "I'm making tea!"

:vomit

[runningpanda]

A panda bear walks in to a bar and orders some bamboo. The bartender goes and gets some bamboo and serves the panda. The panda eats his meal and as the bartender turns around to straighten some things on the shelves, the panda pulls out a gun, fires it at the wall and walks out.
Stunned, the bartender takes out a dictionary and looks up "Panda".
Panda: Large bear; Eats, shoots and leaves.

[Bracknaphobia]

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson go on a camping trip, and after finishing their dinner they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. "Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." "I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes" exclaims Watson. "And what do you deduce from that?" Watson ponders for a minute. "Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?" "Watson, you idiot!" he exclaims, "Somebody's stolen our tent!"

[Petis]

^heard that one with Obama and an advisor. Obama was Watson.