The Joke thread.

[Oxer]

Did you hear they came out with a new lesbian shoe?

They're called Dikes. They have an extra long tounge and only take one finger to get off!

[Oxer]

I was in India recently and saw a sign that said 'English speaking taxi driver'. I thought, what a fucking great idea, why don't we have them in our country

[Oxer]

i just lost my job at the local swimming pool apparently its rude to tap on the NO BOMBING sign when a group of muslims walk past.
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i approached this fat chick in a night club an asked her if she had a pen. she was all excited about the fact that she had a man showing her interest and she gave me a smile and said "yes i do" as she reached for her handbag i said "well you had better get back in it then before the farmer discovers your gone"
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women are like parking spaces. sometimes all the good ones are taken so when no one's looking you chuck it in a disabled one.
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what are you up to this saturday night? i have tickets to a charity dinner for women without legs apparently the dancefloor will be crawling with pussy.
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what do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? nothing she has already been told twice

[Oxer]

whats the best thing about having sex with a lady boy?
when you do the reach around it feels like your poking thru

[Oxer]

what do you do if a bird shits on your head?
dont ask her on a second date.

[Oxer]

What does a x-mas tree and a priest have in
common?
They're balls are just for decoration.
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What do you call a lesbian with fat fingers?
Well hung.
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What is the definition of an innocent nun?
A nun working in a condom factory thinking she's making sleeping bags for
mice.
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What do you call an amish guy with his hand up a horses arse?
The mechanic.
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How do you know if Barbie has her periods?
All your tic tacs are gone.

[Kielan]

Your disclaimer was the funniest thing I have read in this thread.

[Oxer]

i had my first night with my new thai bride. we got into foreplay an i was suckin her off when i thought " hang on a fukin minute"

[Oxer]

Your disclaimer was the funniest thing I have read in this thread.

notsureifsrs.jpeg

[Oxer]

The International Council of Manlaws, Ltd.

1. Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.

2. It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) The five hundred to one horse you backed wins the Melbourne Cup.

3. Any man who brings a camera to a bucks party may be legally killed and eaten by his buddies.

4. Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of jail within 12 hours.

5. If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits forever - unless you actually marry her.

6. Moaning about the brand of free beer in a mates's fridge is forbidden. However, complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.

7. No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.

8. On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.

9. When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.

10. You may fart in front of a woman only after you have brought her to climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.

11. It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink with a small brightly-coloured umbrella only when you're sunning on a tropical beach .. And it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.

12. Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.

13. Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.

14. Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. End of story.

15. If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.

16. Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.

17. A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must always remain sober enough to fight.

18. Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both - that's just greedy.

19. If you compliment a bloke on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.

20. Never join your girlfriend or wife in a discussion about a friend of yours. Again, end of story.

21. Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
A) Yeah, baby, push it!
B) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
C) Another set and we can hit the showers!

22. Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing (i.e both urinating, both waiting in line, etc.). For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.

23 Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if necessary.

24. The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have carnal, drunken monkey-bang-against-the-wall sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.

25. It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours...unless you're pissed.

26. Thou shalt not buy a car in the colours of brown, pink, lime green, tangerine, or sky blue (what the f*ck is tangerine ) ?

27. The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?" with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox or a new set of tyres for your car. End of story.

28. There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics. Ever.

29. We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the definition of each is listed below:

"GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with The guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, then slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next fatty!"

[Kielan]

notsureifsrs.jpeg

Serious.

[Oxer]

there is nothing worse then looking down at your cock after fucking a dirty slut to find a broken condom on the end of your cock .but you weren't wearing one to start with

[Oxer]

Serious.

umad?




A millionare was having a house party... As everyone is eating their lunch he says, "I'll give $5000 to who ever kills the croc in my swimming pool. Everyone makes their way out to the pool... The croc was huge!!! No one wanted to go anywhere Near it, when all of a sudden, bob, the guy no one likes was in the pool wrestling the croc!! 5 mins later the croc floated to the surface DEAD!!! Bob climbed out of the pool huffing and puffing... The millionare said thank you!! I'll go get your money... Bob said na I don't won't it.... The millionare said what about $10,000... Bob said no... The millionare said well what do you want then??? Bob said.... I want the name of the c#nt that pushed me in the fu%king pool!!!!

[Oxer]

what do u call 27 blondes lined up ear to ear


a wind tunnel

[Oxer]

A horse and a chicken are playing in a meadow. The horse falls into a mud hole and is sinking. He calls to the chicken to go and get the farmer to help pull him out to safety. The chicken runs to the farm but the farmer can't be found. So he drives the farmer's Mercedes back to the mud hole and ties some rope around the bumper. He then throws the other end of the rope to his friend, the horse, and drives the car forward saving him from sinking! A few days later, the chicken and horse were playing in the meadow again and the chicken fell into the mud hole. The chicken yelled to the horse to go and get some help from the farmer. The horse said, "I think I can stand over the hole! "" So he stretched over the width of the hole and said, ""Grab for my 'thingy' and pull yourself up. "" And the chicken did and pulled himself to safety. The moral of the story: If you are hung like a horse, you don't need a Mercedes to pick up chicks."